I always wanted to die.
If I’m being honest there’s nothing more to say.
Death is inevitable but every night I go to sleep wishing I wouldn’t wake up.
I’ve never wanted something to occur so much in my life. I wish it would all end and anyone who’s ever seen or known me would soon forget about my existence as if I’d never been there to begin with.
“Life isn’t fair.” This is something I’ve been told for years. It’s something I repeat to myself every time a problem occurs. It’s something everyone tells me when I mention a problem or issue I may have faced or am facing. “Life isn’t fair.”
I know. We know.
It’ll never get better and what we assume to be “better” is simply our own delusions blinding us from the reality we all so strongly sought to escape.
Can any person truly be happy?
I doubt it.
Happiness in itself is a scam. My few enjoyable moments in life can’t compare to the scars and bruises I’ve received for consecutive years.
It’s only natural to focus more on the one negative event than praise the many positive ones to occur. So many can relate to that feeling.
As if you’re drowning in your own sea of expectations that you pushed onto yourself and that others engraved into your heart.
I can’t even feel pity for those in worse positions as I envy their desire for life. I picture myself dying every day.
I jump off a building and slam into the ground. Maybe I didn’t lose consciousness as I hoped I would mid-fall and I now must face the fear and spike of pain I will feel once I’ve hit the cement down below. Even then what if I didn’t die? What if I survived by the slimmest chance and was then forced to live a life in misery stuck in a hospital bed?
I envision myself downing a bottle of pills and countless medication. Then I’d be awake in a hospital room but instead with a loss of cognitive ability. I’d become even more of a liability to those around me.
Every day.
Every day I think of another situation with every detail in mind.
“If I do [ — — — ] then what will happen to [ — — — ]?”
“What about [ — — — ]?”
“My [ — — — ] will end up going through hardships due to this.”
Some days the idea of disappearing from this world and starting over again is so appealing.
Ahhhh I hate life.
